Close Quarters

April 14, 2020

Most families fall somewhere in between the perfection of the Dunphy’s and the dysfunction of the Soprano’s.  But no matter what kind of family you have, and even if you’re tight-knit, you’re probably facing some challenges right now.

Whenever people are anxious or scared, are going through changes, or are forced to be in close quarters, conflicts arise.  So it’s no surprise that families will be experiencing conflict during a frightening pandemic, especially after one of its members has left home as a teenager, and returned home as an adult.

If home is physically or emotionally unsafe, please call me immediately. Help is available.

If home fits into the category of stressful or frustrating, and people are miscommunicating, there are strategies everyone can use to decrease tension.

·       Think about how your style of communication intersects with those of other people in the home.  Are people misunderstanding each other? Initiate a conversation with others about styles of communication (i.e. direct or indirect, passive or assertive), and encourage everyone to reflect on the ways they might unintentionally contribute to misunderstandings.

·       Keep track of the themes of the arguments.  Are they typically about chores, money, personal space, socializing, risky behaviors, or COVID-19?  Have some of the arguments been recycled from the past, or just disguised in a new form?  Try to be aware of the anxiety which underlies the arguments.

o   For example, perhaps your grandson quit his grocery store job because he’s worried about exposing the family to the virus.  You feel confident that everyone in the home is low risk, and you’re more worried about the family getting evicted due to the loss of his paycheck.  You get angry that he’s not working, and he thinks you’re accusing him of being lazy.  A loud argument ensues.  If you both step back, you’ll see that understandable anxiety underlies both perspectives and that you can probably make a decision together.  You might also research housing resources together, and discover that there is new federal legislation to prevent evictions during COVID-19.

o   Or maybe your grandmother won’t let you give a friend a ride home from work, because she’s worried about exposure.  You want to help your friend, whose car broke down, and you think your grandmother is trying to control you.  A loud argument ensues, and you both refer back to high school, when you were mad because your curfew was earlier than all your friends, so you dealt with your anger by repeatedly breaking curfew.  If you both step back, you’ll see that each of you now brings important perspectives.  You might come to a compromise in which you agree to wear a mask and wipe down the car after dropping off your friend.  You think it’s going overboard, and she’s still nervous about it, but you both agree because you want to build trust.

·       There may be ways to increase personal space and boundaries, even in close quarters.  For example, the family might decide that everyone will take a daily 30-minute walk together, but a different person can stay home alone each day.  Or you can create a written schedule in which each family member has one hour of daily privacy in the living room.

·       Try to put yourself in each other’s shoes.

o   Parents and caregivers need to understand that students still have online classes and homework, and have many of the same worries about illness, finances, and the future that they do.  They need to understand that even during a pandemic, young adults will want to socialize and that it’s normal for young adults to explore new ideas and identities, even if different from their own.

o   Young adults need to understand that parents and caregivers are just as scared as they are, and may lack support of their own. They need to understand that parents and caregivers are usually doing their best, but may communicate worry as frustration or anger.  They need to understand that there may be new ways they can contribute to the family and that they can try to communicate their differences in ways that feel less like rejection or disobedience.

·       Practical tools like family meetings and chore charts can be helpful.

·       Reach out to friends and other family members in order to strengthen your individual and family support system.  Phone calls, emails, and group video calls, if possible, can help reduce stress within the household by defusing tension.

·       Remember that irritability under these circumstances is normal.  Shake off petty annoyances.  Take the dog for a walk around the block.  Be the bigger person.

·       Try to have fun together.  Board games, reading aloud, and movie nights can provide a respite from tension.

·       If family members have underlying physical or mental health conditions, resources like telehealth and telemental health are increasingly available. 

·       Remember that most conflicts can ultimately be repaired.  Don’t hesitate to apologize, forgive, and do your part to change unhealthy patterns.  Everyone making even a small effort can go a long way in easing the claustrophobia of close quarters.

This blog post originally appeared on the Carthage College website. It has been republished with permission.