Dialectics

September 20, 2021

It wasn’t until I moved to Boston that I learned you can drive in a circle and end up in a different place.  Like M.C. Escher’s lithograph “Drawing Hands,” which depicts two hands drawing each other, Boston’s structural design distorts reality.  I remember driving on Rt. 128 and coming across the above sign:

128 South

93 North

If one is familiar with the area, this sign bizarrely makes sense: it reflects the unique way that these two roads meet and diverge.  But from a newcomer’s standpoint, I was on two different roads, going in two opposite directions -- at the same time.  

If you’ve ever had mixed feelings, you’ll recognize this experience.  For example, when a loved one passes away after a long illness, there might be relief as well as sadness.  If a colleague gets a promotion, there might be jealousy in addition to pride.  If you’re given a generous gift, you might be grateful, but anxious about the cost.

According to psychologist Marsha Linehan, situations like these can be referred to as “dialectics.”  A  healthy response to a dialectic is to recognize that opposites can exist at the same time -- and that the goal is to synthesize them, rather than berate ourselves for undesirable feelings.  If we can accept that we’re both relieved and sad, excited and jealous, anxious and grateful, we’ll feel less stuck and more at peace, and have greater capacity to pursue our life’s goals and dreams.

The English language has many words related to dialectics:  bittersweet, paradox, oxymoron, ambiguity, nuance, and counter-intuitive, to name a few.  That’s because our inner lives are complicated, and contradictory.  Accepting and embracing complexity harbors self-acceptance.  

It took me years to learn the lay of the land in Boston, years before Google Maps or even the internet.  But I finally developed the muscle memory to intuitively know where I was going (most of the time, anyway), and to take unintelligible signs such as the above with a grain of salt.  It doesn’t matter if it’s 128 South, or 93 North -- or both at the same time.  I can still know where I’m going.